Climbing back on.

The only thing that's more torturous than being stuck inside the ED world, is getting out, and going back, a million times over. Each time I convince myself, I'm okay. This time, I'll make it.

I'm always wrong. It never goes, it hides and waits for a moment of weakness, then pounces on me. And I'm happy. Well no, maybe just relieved. To have control back, the structure and plans, to float through my days with a sense of peace, a sense of, "I'm doing this, there's no going back."

I'm sitting with a 2 litre bottle of water, just like I did last week. I'm ready this time, I'm diving in deep. My fiance knows I've relapsed, but she's reached the point where she knows there's nothing she can do or say. This is my battle, and I don't want to fight right now.

I think maybe I like the feeling of living inside my head. My ED is my blanket, covering my vision with filmy images of how I'll look when I reach the ultimate goal. It protects me, gives me something, anything, to look forward to.

I have nothing else. I have no job. I have my fiance, and I love her, but I'm not good enough for her. How can I eat when I'm not there yet?

My weight is about the same as my last post, but, it will be going down down down.
I'm on water/tea for the weekdays. The weekends should be restricting.

Scrapbook weight loss

Relapse.

I really need someone to talk to... someone who wont judge me for what I've done.. I'm really falling apart, I don't know what to do...

Hello ED, it's been a while.

Ear Infection woes

I woke up today and had a slice of chocolate cheesecake. Why? Because I felt nauseous and lazy and lost motivation before even starting my diet plan. But really? C'mon Rayna, chocolate cheesecake?

a. I'm allergic to chocolate.
b. I'm severely lactose intolerant.
c. It made me feel even more nauseous than to begin with.

K no longer wants me to be a Suicide Girl, after she found out that a post with another SG is mandatory, and she's not comfortable with me being with other naked chicks. I'm okay with that. I would look like a HIPPO beside a beautiful sexy woman.

On another note: I confronted K yesterday about my last diet failure. I had gotten down to 132, my lowest in a while, and then she freaked out and started calling herself fat and stuff. She didn't even realize she did it. Now she is encouraging me to try again, saying she will help me instead of being all negative about her own appearance. Besides, my goal was to be 120 by my birthday (May 23) and now I will not get there. But I can't live without goals, no matter how many times I fail.

I will start up my last diet plan effective..... now. Cheesecake aside, I can still have a good day. I only had a small sliver, measured out was between 200-300 calories. I can still save this day, instead of throwing it all away and falling into an abyss of binge after binge.

New weight goal... Hmm..
Breaking 130 by my birthday seems fair and entirely reachable.

However, I probably wont be exercising much until my ear infection goes away. It throws off my balance and the last time I exercised when I felt sick, it was not a pretty sight.

I BOUGHT A LARGE SHIRT YESTERDAY AND ITS A BIT TIGHT.

QQ.

But I fit K's sexy medium vest. It makes my boobs look massive. Hello, I want my C's back, what is this DD nonsense?!

That's all for now, more whining to be expected in all due time. Hope you all are doing better than me!

K wants me to be a Suicide Girl.

But I'm a whale, not a pin up.

Hydroxycut Hardcore. Haha. We'll see, you look just like a Lipo6 Black ripoff.
Well, I got back up to 143, and now I'm 140.8. So doing this all over again I guess.
Joyyy.

Here's some semblance of a plan, since I'm OCD like that.

breakfast - slow cooked oats with cinnamon, 1/2 cup, no sugar or milk
lunch - salad or any raw vegetable or fruit
snack - almonds, small portion yogurt, or small fruit
dinner - steamed brown rice and chicken, paprika, no salt

monday exercise -
stretches/yoga
100 jumping jacks
60 leg lifts
30 crunches
15 pushups
20 squats

tuesday exercise -
40 squats
20 wall pushups
plank
superman

wednesday exercise -
stretch
20 jumping jacks
10 minutes running on spot
40 lunges
20 leg lifts

thursday exercise -
30 squats
40 wall pushups
40 leg lifts
20 situps

friday exercise -
stretch
100 jumping jacks
15 minutes running on spot
plank
superman

weekend exercise -
stretch stretch stretch
avoid sitting, do everything standing
walk as much as possible


Each week the reps will be raised by 5, and the minutes running will be raised by 5 also. I have no coming-off plan. I want to build momentum, see where I can take it.

Again

I'm backkk.
I bought a laptop. There will be updates.

Broke through

First off I wanna say thank you to the 2 girls who commented my last post! I'm not sure how to reply to comments as I use an ipod touch and not a computer. Your support means so much to me.

So I've been sticking to my plan from the previous post... Well okay, I did fall of the wagon early on and my weight jumped above 140 again. But I havent binged since then, I've been eating really healthy and doing the kick-my-ass days as promised. The result? I finally broke this plateau I've been struggling with ( for like a year!! ) and am now sitting just above 134 lbs. My legs are already thinner and more toned, and I can see progress in the rest of my body too.

I would love to do progress pics for you guys but alas! I still can't afford a computer. As soon as I get a job I'll buy one and can compare the changes. Unfortunately my only picture from 200lbs is one of my face. I most likely burned the rest (LOL).

I will update again after I shed a few more pounds. Good luck girls! <3