Weighed in at 138.8 and planned to fast, but binged instead. Bigfatfailure.

Feeling huge

I weighed in at 140 today, so lost 1 lb from yesterday. I had 354 calories all together. A decent intake, but I still am feeling really fat. I'm hoping to fast tomorrow and friday, and then hopefully stay under 500 cals per day on the weekend. Weekends are difficult because I have to eat enough to satisfy my fiance. (thankfully she has no concept of calories)

For exercise... Well, I was really sore and aching all over. Hopefully thats only because I'm out of shape and it will get less painful. Buttt no pain no gain (loss?), so I managed to do 100 crunches, 150 jumping jacks, 100 squats, and 13 minutes of running.

I wanted to do a 15 minute run today but my calves feel like exploding.

Might walk to the library tomorrow, I think its quite a long walk. I'll update with the mileage tomorrow if I decide to go through with it. I hope whoever is reading this is doing well!

Cursed

I weighed in at 141 today, so down 1.8 lb from yesterday.

I don't think I'm going to write out my intake word for word here, because I do that on paper and in my other online journal, and my intentions for this blog are to track not only my calories and weight, but my daytoday struggles/emotions.

I had 385 calories today. Not bad. I started my time of the month today, and usually it makes me eat more. I also did... 100 crunches, leglifts, and jumping jacks, and 10 minutes of running.

Here's the darker points of today. I've always loved canned tuna. It's relatively low cal and fills me up, and probably helps replace my crappy lack of nutrients somewhat. But today I got disgusted by my tuna, tried to force myself to eat it, and halfway in I felt ill. I felt like purging. But I didn't, because I'm an ex-bulimic and will not go back to that.

So, I just threw away the rest of it. The reason this sucks for me is because I have safe foods that I keep in the house apart from my fiance's normal food. But now tuna is crossed off the list.

Deep breath

142.8 (- .2 lb)

in -
oatmeal - 134
tea n/s - 0
bullion soup - 10
jello - 80
rice cracker x 2 - 100
total: 324

out -
crunches x 80
jumping jacks x 50
squats x 40
running x 8 mins

I'm really out of shape. But it's nice to be able to keep my breathing normal. I'm glad I quit smoking.

I really need to lose this weight, I feel like I'm in a fat suit.

Numbers

143.
I'm hoping it's water weight. I'm promising myself I'll do better. I'm faking smiles and confidence. I'm wearing only pj's and my "feeling fat" clothes. I'm longing for laxatives again. I'm already planning tomorrow, and the rest of the week in my head, as I eat cereal with my fiance.

One hundred and fourty-three.
Tomorrow christmas vacation is over, and I'm free again.

I'm sorry for not updating this soon after starting this journal. My computer does not have a wireless adapter yet, so I wont have the internet until we buy one. Right now I'm using my fiance's iPod touch, hoping that it will let me update.

Merry Christmas, by the way. No presents or feasts to be had here, we are broke.

That's a good thing though, because I'm already a blimp. And I forgot my scale at the old place so I havent known my weight... going to go get it today though! Very excited.

Pardon any mistakes. This is an awkward little keyboard.

New Start

My computer is the last lingering thing I have yet to pack, I'll be moving in a few hours. I really feel like I should be more excited than I am. It is a new start, its mine and my fiance's first place together.

Hopefully it will be a new start for eating habits too, because mine have been out of whack lately. Today I've had iced tea and a pack of ramen, yeah I know ew, but it's the only thing not packed yet. so I'm somewhere under 350, and my fiance is bringing me home 4 pieces of california roll, sooo around 480 calories today as an overshoot.

I've been pretty anxious and depressed, I really want my sister to move out here soon because she always makes me happy.

I've had a few smokes today unfortunately, I will quit though. Soon.
I'll update when my internet is hooked up in the new place.

The Reasons?

(Today's intake: 202 calories)

I've had other blogs before, but usually on xanga, not on this site.
Thought I would try it out, just to have somewhere to write and stay anonymous...

I'm 19. I live with my fiance, very far away from my old friends and family. I was raised by my grandparents, who I love to death. Although, in their house is where my problems started.

They had that rule that a lot of parents have, to finish all of your food before you leave the table. So, I was overfed. I was healthy, but a chubby child. It wore down on me throughout my childhood, because although they overfed me, my family still insisted that I was a bit overweight. I exercised constantly. I was on every sports team in school that I had time for. I never sat down and watched TV like kids today do. There was no reason for me to be fat, and yet, I was.

So I took things into my own hands at the age of 9. At this point I had no idea what an eating disorder was, it just wasn't something that existed in my world, or something that anyone talked about. (My whole family is big and loves food.)

I had a very strict schedule as a child, I remember that well. But somehow during dinner I began getting away with being excused to the bathroom to secretly spit out mouthfuls of food. I don't think I lost any weight doing this, but it gave me a rush, I was doing something that no one knew about...

Somewhere near the end of elementary school I started staying with my parents, because I was able to "look after myself" while my mom and step-dad were at work. Something happened to me at this point, I felt really depressed and anxious, I started cutting myself and smoking at a very young age.

Skipping forward now... To about age 14. Highschool... Haha, that was a great place. My obsession with my chubbiness remained, but up to this point I didn't ever know my own weight. In science class we were learning unit conversions and mass, so I was supposed to get my weight for a project. There I sat, watching student after student go to the front of the class to have their weight read out loud! I got out of doing it somehow, but the teacher said I had to write my weight down. So, I told my mom about it and she let me use her scale at her work, because we never had one at home.

I think at that point I was about 160lb. I slowly started starving myself after learning that number. I got myself down to around 137, and then something switched in my head, and I started having binge/purge cycles almost every day. In between these cycles I would fast, only to binge again a few days later. My weight rollercoastered for a few years.

17 years old; after not eating for about a week, I confided in a close friend about my situation. She introduced me to smoking weed. It worked, I didn't care about food, I loved it. But as soon as I came down off a high, I felt like shit again and would take it out on myself in the worst of ways. So I started smoking more and more.

Before I knew it, I was around 200lb, and facing prom in a few months. I panicked. I quit weed and started starving myself again. I weighed around 170 for my prom and when I look back at the pictures I want to cry, because I was so huge. Kind of embarrassing, but I met my fiance around that time.

Between then and now it has been a tug-of-war between recover and relapse. I lose, I gain. I stopped cutting about 2 years ago, and I've quit smoking for 4 days now, haha. I'm too fat to be diagnosed as anorexic, and I don't purge anymore so I can't be diagnosed bulimic. Maybe if I slim myself down enough I can get some help.

I currently weigh 140.6 lbs... at 5'4...

This journal will be about my struggles, my secrets, and about my obsession with food.

Kudos to you if you read any of that.