The Reasons?

(Today's intake: 202 calories)

I've had other blogs before, but usually on xanga, not on this site.
Thought I would try it out, just to have somewhere to write and stay anonymous...

I'm 19. I live with my fiance, very far away from my old friends and family. I was raised by my grandparents, who I love to death. Although, in their house is where my problems started.

They had that rule that a lot of parents have, to finish all of your food before you leave the table. So, I was overfed. I was healthy, but a chubby child. It wore down on me throughout my childhood, because although they overfed me, my family still insisted that I was a bit overweight. I exercised constantly. I was on every sports team in school that I had time for. I never sat down and watched TV like kids today do. There was no reason for me to be fat, and yet, I was.

So I took things into my own hands at the age of 9. At this point I had no idea what an eating disorder was, it just wasn't something that existed in my world, or something that anyone talked about. (My whole family is big and loves food.)

I had a very strict schedule as a child, I remember that well. But somehow during dinner I began getting away with being excused to the bathroom to secretly spit out mouthfuls of food. I don't think I lost any weight doing this, but it gave me a rush, I was doing something that no one knew about...

Somewhere near the end of elementary school I started staying with my parents, because I was able to "look after myself" while my mom and step-dad were at work. Something happened to me at this point, I felt really depressed and anxious, I started cutting myself and smoking at a very young age.

Skipping forward now... To about age 14. Highschool... Haha, that was a great place. My obsession with my chubbiness remained, but up to this point I didn't ever know my own weight. In science class we were learning unit conversions and mass, so I was supposed to get my weight for a project. There I sat, watching student after student go to the front of the class to have their weight read out loud! I got out of doing it somehow, but the teacher said I had to write my weight down. So, I told my mom about it and she let me use her scale at her work, because we never had one at home.

I think at that point I was about 160lb. I slowly started starving myself after learning that number. I got myself down to around 137, and then something switched in my head, and I started having binge/purge cycles almost every day. In between these cycles I would fast, only to binge again a few days later. My weight rollercoastered for a few years.

17 years old; after not eating for about a week, I confided in a close friend about my situation. She introduced me to smoking weed. It worked, I didn't care about food, I loved it. But as soon as I came down off a high, I felt like shit again and would take it out on myself in the worst of ways. So I started smoking more and more.

Before I knew it, I was around 200lb, and facing prom in a few months. I panicked. I quit weed and started starving myself again. I weighed around 170 for my prom and when I look back at the pictures I want to cry, because I was so huge. Kind of embarrassing, but I met my fiance around that time.

Between then and now it has been a tug-of-war between recover and relapse. I lose, I gain. I stopped cutting about 2 years ago, and I've quit smoking for 4 days now, haha. I'm too fat to be diagnosed as anorexic, and I don't purge anymore so I can't be diagnosed bulimic. Maybe if I slim myself down enough I can get some help.

I currently weigh 140.6 lbs... at 5'4...

This journal will be about my struggles, my secrets, and about my obsession with food.

Kudos to you if you read any of that.